I'm Lying in Bed

I - am lying in bed.

I - am lying in bed.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

In through the nose and

out through the mouth.

Or was it the other way 'round?

I supposed it doesn't matter as long as I am breathing, right?

I have to do that

Remind myself that I am in bed.

Walking down the street.

Driving.

Washing dishes.

Shopping at Walmart.

I have to remind myself to be in the moment

So I don't fly off the surface of the earth.

If I force myself to feel every moment in a shitty day

Maybe I would find a few moments that weren't so shitty.

Maybe I could bear being in a life that is 

Too small and ill fitting
Maybe I would finally know it is OK to be here,

For now.

If I focus on NOW 

And Right NOW

And Right NOW

And Right NOW

Maybe I'll be able to see the future more clearly.

Wednesday after 4

It is Wednesday, sometime after 4pm. I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop, Rabbitfoot Records (which I will talk about in another post, on another day). There is a couple next to me playing chess. I have seen them in here before and they speak to each other as if they are newly dating. I like that. It gives me no hope for myself, mind you, but I am glad 2 people have sort of found themselves and are taking the time to get to know each other...I actually don't know their story, but...
ANYway.
It is pouring out and I am inside with a cup full of unsweetened iced tea, struggling with a paper that's due tomorrow at 8am, along with a presentation and a speech.
The paper, as you may have guessed from the title of the post is not actually on the Fibonacci Sequence, but the Golden Ratio.
It is NOT easy, but I picked the topic, because I thought it would be easy, which was my first mistake. I should have picked something completely foreign to me and that might have been easier.
This post isn't anything but a pressure valve release. nothing much to it.

...And Hell is Hot

We humans waste a lot of time looking for THE perfect thing, when really "perfect", the way we imagine it, is only as perfect as we are, and we are not perfect.

I am guilty of wasting time worried about things that were beyond my control, spending time with people that put me down and who ultimately did not have my interests at heart. I let things distract me from my goals and now I am paying for it. I am finding that I have to self-correct a lot while I am in process of becoming and it is exhausting. Waiting for perfect (time, place, person) is not for the faint of heart.

Now, at the age I am, everything that I am learning are the things that I should have learned years ago, and hard as I may wish it, going back is not an option. There is no magic door back to the past. There's no rabbit hole that will take back to the moment where that pivotal decision needed to be made so that maybe I can take what was behind door number 2.
No, definitely not able to go back. So, I move forward and move forward and move forward until I am done. 

I don't think I will ever be done.

Breakfast on the Sun

This the thing: I really like breakfast. The photo on this post was potato hash with sunny side up eggs made by my new(ish) friend Andrew. It was so simple, yet I don't think I could ever imitate it.

Brunch by Andrew!

Starter Overer

Me - eM @ age 44

My father and I circled the perimeter of the campus before we saw life just inside one of the turn-offs, so we went in. There was a very young woman sitting on the curb smoking a cigarette, we asked her where we could find building A. First she sighed really hard, rolled her eyes all the way back in her head and gave us directions that involved a lot of pointing and flying ash from her lit cigarette.
When we pulled away, I rolled up the window "I hesitate taking directions from children." I said to my dad as he searched for the exit.
Dad, ever the cool one, says, without missing a beat, or taking his eyes off the road, "Em, these are your peers."
I clamped my mouth shut. He was right. I was 41 years old, car-less, jobless, penniless, rootless, aimless, almost homeless, a bunch of other "lesses", and I was starting over going to college for the first time in my life and it was terrifying.
Now I am 44. I have been enrolled as a full-time student at a 2-year college since the summer of 2011. Why so long? 1) That summer I only took one class 2) I waited a year until I became a resident in the state of Florida 3) I took this past summer of 2014 off because I needed to.
I am still terrified, even though I know I have a lot in front of me and nothing pinning me to anyplace on the map right now. Things are wide open to me. I have only to choose. The beauty of it all is that I know I can start over, because I've been there, done that and I have the t-shirt to prove it.

Looking for Happy

I kept seeing it everywhere #100HappyDays and wondered what it was about. So I looked it up. (100happydays.com)
Basically, you spend 100 days finding something that makes you happy, you take a picture of it and post it on your Instagram account. I figured, I could use a little happy, and am willing to spend the next 100 days looking for things that make me happy.
Supposedly it takes 21 days to form a habit. I think if I get into the habit of looking for the happy in my life, it will get easier and easier to see as the days go by.
Anyway, I know this a cop-out but, my fist entry is this:
THIS DJ MIX, especially from 45:20 onward.
Enjoy.
Day One in the bag...

Sounds

these are my new obsession...


check it out...it's worth it

21 June 14 - Journo...

a good friend

came to me in a dream

eyes full of tears

despite his hope

his hurt was so great

that it spanned the widths and depths

of his heart

entered my dream

a thousand miles away

and all i could do was

give in to his pain and

wrap my arms around him

let his tears stain my dress

we are friends

that's what we do

cry each other's tears

hold each other up through the dark

even in dreams

One Truth...?

Everyone is searching for truth. A truth. THE Truth.
Is there only one truth out there?
There are approximately 7 billion people on this planet and there are exactly that many versions of the truth there are being sought.
Some of us find it.
Some of us never do.
There are some people who never even look or even try to find it. They're content to be just who and what they are.
I have no idea where I fall in that. I just know that I am completely unsatisfied with this version of my life. I can only hope there is a me in a parallel life...a life where every decision I never made lives on...I can only hope that version of me is satisfied with her life as it is, because this version is shitty...
Ever so shitty.

Spartacus Notes

So, I love having random nuggets of writing for people I love and the following is from my brother. I think he is one of the most well-spoken storytellers I know.

OK, soooooo, I'm in Target the other day. It was a bandanna, sweats, Tims and sleeveless shirt kind of morning. Waiting on line to get my Starbucks, when a l'il blanket dragging kid comes around the corner, looks up at me and says "Do you live under my bed?". OK, here's the thing: I have a very limited brain to mouth filter. So, I looked down at the l'il Linus wannabe an I calmly said "Not yet. I move in tonite. See you later." And smiled. The l'il urchin then runs off yelling "Mommy, mommy! I saw a monster!!" It was a special moment. — feeling amused.

Back

From the blackness of the universe

Shone one milky star

Dim and shivering with its new light

And here I am

In this modern world

New raw aching

For something that I just cannot name

I am free and scattered

Across the black of this universe

But free

As free as those of mine were not

I waste moments

Take chances for granted

They…

Were born with no chances

Under someone else’s hand

And choices were hopes

That stolen moments

Would bring a peace

That could never be known in life

The roots in grasping earth

Need be turned

Us go back

Them have chances we waste

Choices we take for granted

Back

Through the blackness

Exchange places

We would all know

I would know

Something I do not

How I got here,

A soul owning a soul

What they wanted

            Life unchained